Archive for January, 2007
I don’t know what it is with me and celebrity candidates. The ones who’ve won (”The Body”, Sonny Bono, Reagan, Ahnold) have all sucked. And yet I keep endorsing them (well, not those guys specifically). I really like the Franken. I even watched his failed network sitcom. Hell, if the Dems choose an empty suit as the party’s presidential nominee, the Minnesota Senate race could be where I focus my time and energy.
The Franken campaign has put up a lengthy list of his qualifications on his PAC site. I’ll summarize them for those who don’t have the time to go there: Vote for Franken in ‘08 because he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.
January 31st, 2007
Did you ever think that a friend of a friend or the enemy of your enemy could also be you? No, probably not, because that’s dumb.
It’s a good thing it’s not called the Film Actors Guild.
The little girl in the high-def TV ads is not cute because she pronounces mirrors “meers”.
While you wouldn’t know it from their appearances on SNL, Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin are quite funny. Supporting evidence: 30 Rock.
Worst chain on the East Coast? Without a doubt, it’s Dunkin’ Donuts, the unwanted bastard child of a 7-11 and McDonald’s. Think for a minute how lame and shitty that analogy just was. That is how bad Dunkin’ Donuts is. Their coffee sucks, their donuts have gone stale by the time they reach my mouth and the only thing they have worth getting is the cranberry orange muffin. And they are everywhere. Why do I buy from them? From now on, whenever I buy food at Dunkin’ Donuts or any other fast food restaurant, I’m going to donate an equal sum to a random worthless charity as penance. Like the Make a Wish Foundation. That’s right, I said it. Here, I have a wish: after you take me for that Disneyworld photo op, cure my fucking disease!
January 31st, 2007
After a couple of uneventful years, 2006 was quite a busy one for me. A few really bad things and a few really good things happened. Looking back on it, I realize that the unfortunate events were out of my control, but most of the good stuff was at least somewhat my doing. As an extraordinarily risk-averse person, I am realizing that the few times I have broken character I was almost always rewarded with a very positive outcome. Simply choosing to make a decision, instead of deferring to someone else or to time or fate has benefited me more often than not.
So, just in time for the end of January, I have made a list of the six areas I want to spend the majority of my time in 2007 focusing on. In a slightly more ambitious endeavor (and one less likely to succeed), I have compiled a list of short-term and long-term goals as well as a list of books I plan to read this year.
Now, anywhere else, this idea would be corny and lame. But we’re Fit to Print and we are exempt from such labelings. So reply to this post and offer up whatever lists you yourself have for this year or any year. And if you don’t have a plan, make shit up on the fly.
As a side note, I hate the people who say if they were to do it all over again they wouldn’t change a thing, because they “wouldn’t be the person they are today†or “their mistakes have made them strongerâ€. If I could take the wisdom of experience back with me for a second shot at the same life I would be Emperor of the United States of Castles by the time I was 25.
January 31st, 2007
Katie Couric isn’t working out as a news anchor. Not because she’s a woman, but because she’s from a fluff morning show that’s about as worthwhile as a stale egg mcmuffin. She has just as much gravitas as Matt Lauer or Regis Philbin would. Which is to say none. And guess what, Tom Brokaw was closer to a speech impediment than gravitas. NPR’s top four anchors, Jim Lehrer, Gwen Ifill, Ray Suarez and Margaret Warner could easily replace anyone from cable or the major networks, except for maybe Brian Williams. Until they stop hiring uneducated lightweights and reporters who mistake their own importance with the importance of the story, network news will continue to be one of the least recommended places to go to stay up on current events. Use that half hour to take a nice long crap in the can with a paper. Or watch the Daily Show.
January 24th, 2007
As we discover new things, we have a tendency to excitedly discuss our findings with others without hesitation. It is great to share discoveries with people, but it is not so great to be bombarded with exclamated sentences about something with no apparent redeeming value other than the recentness of its discovery by the exclamator. Lookie there, I just discovered two new words in this paragraph and you don’t see me wetting my pants over it.
So let me tell you about The Nation! Imagine if you were able to take all your best insights and deftly expand them into thoughtful articles and essays. You, my friend, are imagining an issue of The Nation. It is the best collection of entertaining, intelligent, condescension-free, unassuming writing that I have seen assembled in one place. The editor and publisher is a snob in real life, but she seems to do a fine job with the magazine.
When I was a kid, I used to get excited about books and reading all the time. Since high school, I can think of only a handful of instances where that has happened; when we started getting the NYT, Harry Potter, Josh Marshall’s blog, and now, The Nation. Pick up a copy, give it a shot. The January 29 issue is especially good.
If you read one periodical this year, let it be The Nation. If you read two, read The Nation twice!
January 17th, 2007
Tonight, in a remarkably stammer-free performance, our beloved President stood in the White House Library and gave a 20-minute explanation for why a troop increase of 20,000 was necessary in Iraq. It is the closest Bush has gotten to a book since reading My Pet Goat on 9/11.
I remember growing up when I started realizing that adults weren’t perfect. Some of them are poor party planners, or mean to their kids, or alcoholics. These epiphanies are when “the way things are” becomes “why is that?” Supposedly, this is what gives us a leg up on the animals. Dogs don’t question their desire to eat strange poop or chase cats, ants don’t marvel at their own Herculean strength. By evolving out of the stage where we accept everything completely, we leave the door open for finding a better way.
Many things, of course, are concrete and difficult to change. Gravity, for instance, seems like a keeper. But one of the real perils of human existence is the favoritism we show “the way things are” over “why is that?”
Iraq is not a mess because it was born like that. Iraq is a mess because we made it a mess. And all solutions to a bad problem are not created equal. All solutions are not even solutions. Some solutions are constipated craps passed off as solutions by old men who dodged the draft and don’t know what they are sending young men into. Granted, of all the solutions I’ve ever heard proposed, I can really only think of a couple that fall into that category.
So let’s just remember that the guy saying “20k more should do it” is not God. He’s the same guy who was told his country was under attack and decided it would still be a good idea to finish reading the children’s story. He’s the same guy whose Secretary of Defense said Iraq was a success if you viewed it from far enough away in the sky. The same guy we elected. And we can un-elect him whenever we want.
January 11th, 2007
I’m not sure there is enough to do in this little cow town they call Petaluma. The highlight of my day was getting out of the shower and making a wet-head mohawk that I briefly considered keeping for the night. In all fairness to Luma, as fate would have it, I do sculpt an awesome mohawk.
In other news, I realized something about America and politics. Many people complain about the media’s obsession with the horse race and refusal to focus on more substantive matters. Like, say, where the candidates stand on the issues, or whether they are even qualified to address the issues. Bush is president for two terms because he might be more fun to have a beer with? As long as meaningless hypotheticals are going to determine the election, why not ask who you’d rather have drive you home from that beer, Bush or Kerry? Who would you trust more to be your DD? Who would you rather have do your taxes?
Anyway, I’m getting off track. The media focuses in on the horse race because they know people love that American competitiveness and the thrill of the chase. Sports analysis and political punditry are melding together into one giant talking head. It’s like the entire news world has pulled a Keith Olbermann.
But there is another, less superficial, reason people are more interested in the chase than the issues debate, or even what politicians do once they win. Candidates are made of idealism and change and everything nice. Elected officials are about practicality, compromising and reelection. Before they get into office they are everything we hope they’ll be, everything they say they are. Once they’re sworn in, the chariot they rode in on is a fucking pumpkin again. They’re human once more.
The only politicians who don’t disappoint are the ones who die. Fortunately, there is a simple solution to this whole dilemma. Don’t expect perfection and don’t settle for incompetence or corruption. There, I fixed it. I just saved democracy. Next time on FTP, how to fix capitalism and your father’s lawn mower.
January 3rd, 2007