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Congressional Jeopardy

November 13th, 2007

Some things you might not know about Pelosi and Congress:

Nancy Pelosi is an incredible testament to modern medicine: she’s been dead for over twenty years, but refused to let that get in the way of ruining running Congress. Her secret? Botox, a platinum, solar-powered heart and tight, disdainful smiles that exert a minimum amount of energy.

Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton are the same corpse person.

It is against the Congressional Charter to pursue a sensible agenda as Speaker.

Passing legislation emboldens the terrorists.

Making dumb wordplays with the names of generals emboldens the terrorists.

Overriding the president to give children health care emboldens the terrorists.

Wow, seems like a lot of activities embolden the terrorists these days. It’s getting harder and harder for folks on the Hill to live Bush-approved lives. So, aside from heavy petting and hand-holding, what are some abstinence-only activities Congress can partake in? Fundraising is an old standby. Making endorsements is another good call.

Just remember to wait long enough to ensure you endorse a winner, no sense helping someone out who won’t be able to scratch your back, too! When photo-opping with your chosen candidate, be sure to let them stand in the center, it’s their moment after all, but wear inserts in your shoes so you look taller and more statesmanly than your new pal. Ideally, you want to endorse a woman — inserts are a hassle and how can a woman be statesmanly? — who is a shoo-in and who rewards faithful surrogates. Basically, endorse Hillary. Kucinich is also short, but he fails to meet many of the other requirements. I would only recommend endorsing him if it is proven that aliens exist, because he might have more pull with them than here on earth.

Entry Filed under: Politics